Disappointed 

I feel pretty disappointed and very let down right now. Just shy of a year since my first breakdown. My scores are all, still, marked as severe – probably worse right now – and yet because I was too anxious to continue a group that wasn’t helping me/making me worse; I’m discharged. I tried, I really tried the group. Longer than friends expected of me! Heck – if anyone knows the raisin mindfulness task; I couldn’t even eat the dam raisin. I tried contacting 3 times and now I’m discharged. I feel like I’m screaming out for help. I am slowly withdrawing and whilst I’m aware of it I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to engage with society. I don’t know how much longer I can carry on and I currently am NOT glad that “it’s me and not someone else struggling” because I can’t do this anymore. It’s impossible; if you are not severely ill you will not get the help. I don’t look underweight, I haven’t tried to kill myself, and I’ve not been submitted to hospital for self harm; thus I’m fine, right?

  

Wrong.

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6 thoughts on “Disappointed 

  1. Hey you, just want to say I hear you. This is tough and I remember being in exactly the same place when I had depression. Look after yourself and one day you’ll find the right group or the right counsellor and things will improve. Just don’t give up hope! I know it feels like there is no hope and you feel let down. I am quite angry reading how you’ve been treated! Thinking of you xx

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    1. Thanks love. I think we’re about to go private with it all. But I guess my fear is starting all over again, again, and then possibly still not finding the right help/counsellor/therapist for me and drawing out the process again. Even though she wasn’t s counsellor I hit the jackpot with my CBT therapist and definitely felt comfortable with her; and I need that comfort again. I’m annoyed because they never spoke to me in the end and I gave up trying to get through: but I never said I was ready to be discharged etc. I’m very much NOT ok and have only been “out of therapy” with them for about 5/6 weeks! Oh well. Xx

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      1. Glad you’re going private, at least you won’t have the waiting list too so can get straight into it. Can you go back to the CBT person or is it all tied up in this NHS stuff? You’ll find someone again. It will be a chore starting again but you’d rather start again and find someone amazing who helps enormously than just sticking where you are. I get it, it’s hard when you just want to escape from the world! Easy for me to say but don’t give up! xx

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      2. Yeah. To be fair my waiting list for the NHS didn’t feel horrific; in comparison to some. And I was fortunate enough that a friend (?!) organised some interim counselling through work at the time so when I did finally reach out for that help I wasn’t left totally stranded.
        I’m not sure about the CBT therapist. I know she does work privately too but – and I can’t remember entirely – I don’t think she was local; I think she commuted a fair way for the NHS job. Might be worth me checking, though she is CBT qualified and not counselling I think so not sure it will get me any further? She was fab and put in more than I suspect she should have for me (we always over ran sessions as I was 10/12 her last appointment of the day). It’s hard to think I may have to see another 1, or even 100 people to find the same confidence and trust level I had in her? Xx

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      3. If she is far away you could ask is she recommends someone nearer to you. You could also find a counsellor that combines CBT with her treatment, that’s what mind did. Anyhow, what worked for me might not work for you! Just wanted to give check you were okay really and not going spare! It’s easy to say but don’t let the what ifs stop you from finding someone to help you. Hope I’ve helped in some way!
        xx

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      4. Good idea.. Don’t have contact with her now but she did give me the website details for finding people..
        CBT and counselling sounds good; that sounds like it’s what I need if I’m honest with you – and no not just because you e said it!
        I’m doing better so far this week. Have run, walked both with a friend and alone and yoga’d today and eaten reasonably well – and we both know the positive difference it makes, so long may it last! Thank you xx

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