It’s been a while..

I haven’t posted in a while… I haven’t even written much in a while – just the odd fleeting thoughts that have flashed across my mind that I’ve managed to capture. There are others I’ve missed – they seem to hit me most when I’m driving and unable to type or write anything down.. Perhaps I should dig out my old dictaphone from uni – but the thought of listening back to my own voice fills me with dread and so it feels easier to let those thoughts go!

I feel like the reason perhaps I haven’t written in a while is because I haven’t felt particularly anxious or depressed for a while. I’ve had some moments, sure, but ultimately I wonder if perhaps I am making a breakthrough.. Perhaps I am reaching that light at the end of the tunnel. Of course there are still nerves that hold me back in fear of another ultimate breakdown anywhere on the horizon – Anxiety lives – but I suspect this is the longest period in a long time that I have felt “better”, though perhaps it is the longer, lighter days and hopefully soon approaching (and long lasting) better weather, and the prospect of plans; holidays and happiness with friends and family.

I know for sure as well, that I’ve had a few of my own “lightbulb moments” of realisation recently that have led me to understand a lot more; though I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with these realisations, or how to move on properly, I certainly think they’ve had an impact on my ability to cope; especially where I’ve been able to bounce my thoughts and understandings off friends.

My biggest struggle remains me. My body, my shape, my size, my weight. It is a long-founded struggle which is rooted deeply inside me. I have found myself stuck in a cycle of eating “rubbish” thus lacking the energy to move. I have gained weight; I am the biggest I have been for a while, and only I can do something about that. Note; I am NOT looking here, for anyone to tell me “no you haven’t!” Or “you look great” – I have gained weight. That is factual. For whatever reason whether it be healthy or not; I am not happy. No amount of telling me anything otherwise will change my mind, it will probably only make me more determined to loose weight, more anxious about it; more likely to relapse into ridiculous tactics which will not help me in the long run and which I am constantly trying incredibly hard to avoid.

I was however, recently sent this poem below. It strikes a very deep chord with me, and I wonder; I wonder if this insecurity within me will ever be uprooted. I wonder if we will ever be happy with ourselves, if we will ever stop the worry, if we will ever “love our tree”, or if we will ever be “good enough”.

 

BEING HUMAN
I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the down-feather horizon
if the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood

swings of the weather
if clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deals with gravity

to loiter a little longer
I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

if it has trouble

letting go
if snow flakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one

trying to be one-of-a-kind
I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young

how to shine
I wonder if shadows long

to just-for-once feel the sun

if they get lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they’re from
I wonder if sunrise

and sunset

respect each other

even though they’ve never met
if volcanoes get stressed

if storms have regrets

if compost believes in life

after death
I wonder if breath ever thinks of suicide

if the wind just wants to sit

still sometimes

and watch the world pass by
if smoke was born

knowing how to rise

if rainbows get shy back stage

not sure if their colors match right
I wonder if lightning sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

if rivers ever stop

and think of turning back
if streams meet the wrong sea

and their whole lives run off-track

I wonder if the snow

wants to be black
if the soil thinks she’s too dark

if butterflies want to cover up their marks

if rocks are self-conscious of their weight

if mountains are insecure of their strength
I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sand

only to be pulled back again

to where they began
if land feels stepped upon

if sand feels insignificant

if trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand
if branches waver at the crossroads

unsure of which way to grow

if the leaves understand they’re replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows
I wonder

where the moon goes

when she is in hiding

I want to find her there

and watch the ocean

spin from a distance

listen to her

stir in her sleep effort give way to existence
by Naima
Thank you Haley, via Megan, for sharing this fantastic poem. 🕉
🍾🦄

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8 thoughts on “It’s been a while..

      1. Oh hun, fingers crossed it doesn’t start! It’s cruel how pregnancy and period symptoms can be identical. Have you started your tablets yet? I seem to recall you said something about tablets! xx

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      2. Yeah I guess… And even then there is no guarantee it will work 😒 I think I’d just pinned a lot of hope on it for some reason! We only get 6 chances with this, so 2 more before I’m reviewed and then 3 more on a stronger dose… Then we have to join the IVF club 😕 sod it.. I’m booking a holiday! Come on babies! 👶🏻👶🏻👶🏻

        Liked by 1 person

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