It is Mental Health Awareness Week.

I’m not sure if knowing this puts me in a worse situation? Whether it brings it all to the forefront of my mind as an unnecessary reminder? A reverse placebo – instead of helping, it badly hinders?

I am completely zapped of energy. I am utterly exhausted for no reason – I’m fairly sure I’m sleeping reasonably well – yet I cannot really be bothered to do anything, and then I am extra angry, stressed and grumpy at not ticking tasks of my “life-admin” list. I can feel panic and panic attacks settling in comfortably to their old surroundings. I can feel tears escaping my eyes without warning or reason.

I don’t know or understand where it comes from. I’m ready for it to stop now. I’m wondering whether subconsciously, potential {with a high likelihood; in my mind} circumstances of last week are continuing to knock me. But you can’t change the past, and can only prepare for the future. I know this, so why, why am I still finding myself desperate to curl up in a ball, hide away, punish myself in any way possible? Is fighting this what is exhausting me so much? I guess it is. Battling with yourself is exhausting.

Why am I becoming consumed with rage over the simplest things? Yesterday I found myself physically shaking in anger over some ignorant, middle aged, balding sad-act arrogantly and brazenly taking up two parking spaces in a busy car park. The still-angry [did you guess?!] part of me wishes I’d keyed his car.

My patience tolerance generally stands at low, but currently I’m finding myself in a zero tolerance policy for any given random situation. I cannot do this anymore and yet I’m not really sure what other choice I have. I can’t remember/don’t know how to help myself out of this situation; punishing myself in any “usual” is even more un-conducive to what I want/need.

I want to exercise; even lightly, but I can’t really be bothered/am too tired to move. I want to eat well yet just cannot seem to motivate myself to cook for the ridiculously quick 15 minutes it might take. I’m not in the mood for mindfulness ~ though will it help? I don’t know ~ and I am disappointed in myself at the sudden restriction, once again, to my concentration.

I am stuck in that “trap”, that “hot cross bun” circle of doom, and until I suddenly – miraculously – regain some energy there feels like no way out.

I’m not even sure that writing this is making any more sense. Whether it is giving any insight into the nightmare. Whether there is any point.

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