A period.

Two years. Over two full years now since we started trying for a family – and I couldn’t feel any further away from this ever actually happening. You can tell me to “stay positive”, “think positive” send me {beautiful} “positive vibes” but I can’t help but give up hope. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and I’ve thought for a while now we will need IVF.. But now, months away from starting that, I still am unsure it will ever be enough. 

The blow of a period doesn’t ever lessen – even whilst enjoying a wonderful holiday/honeymoon part 4 (second wedding anniversary). The hope was that this would be our last “big” holiday for a long time whilst we have our family… I can now see us doing the same next year, for our third wedding anniversary. I feel exasperated and heartbroken. I feel hopeless.

As a teenager/young adult I remember the constant “fear” of falling pregnant. For me – it wasn’t really a fear of falling pregnant, more of a fear of upsetting/disappointing my family. I wish I hadn’t had that. Whilst I wouldn’t want children by various different fathers – I’ve known since I was 20 that I wanted children with my [now] husband, I wish I hadn’t wasted years putting my body (and mind) through more hell being on the pill; I’d have known a lot earlier that something wasn’t right. 

Despite not really wanting to grow up – with the years of anorexia alongside that – I’ve always wanted to be a mother; and for me, the younger mother the better. I’ve wanted four for as long as I can remember but I don’t want to be starting old; I want to be a young mummy – yet time is zooming by which in turn sees that dream disappearing. 
All around me are children, families, babies and pregnancies… Announcements like “we are thrilled and surprised to announce we our expecting baby #5!! Surprised? I can’t even grow one healthy baby for more than a *possible* week yet other women are on their fifth? How? I feel like this is my life – working so hard to achieve so little..And all I can think is perhaps we should just downsize now as it isn’t ever going to happen for us.

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One thought on “A period.

  1. Hello lovely, I can’t describe how this post reminds me of exactly how I used to feel. I was absolutely certain it would never happen. Thinking of you lots and hoping it will be your time soon! The best things in life are worth waiting for… xxxxxx

    Like

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