Another sleepless night: insomniac 

I cannot control this insomnia. How can you control something which is beyond the realms of your realisation? By the time I realise that the words are whizzing round and round in my head – they’ve gone as fast as they arrived and spun round in there. I have no idea what they were saying. I have no idea what I am anxious/worried about to cause them to constantly be there. They are hidden within my subconscious, just beyond conscious grasp. I don’t even realise that they are there, doing it; nagging and gnawing and chipping away at my mind and my inability to sleep, until suddenly enough is enough and I dare myself a glimpse at my phone to see how long I have spent this time lying in the dark with my eyes shut but not asleep.

I know, obviously, that looking at the phone will not help – no matter how much I change it to “bedtime” mode… but by these points in the nights I have given up all hope if either way making a difference. I won’t sleep if I don’t look at the phone. I won’t sleep if I do.

Once again I have barely slept in weeks. I am an emotional wreck and I fear approaching a vast breakdown. My sleep/rest-deprived and therefore lowered immune system has kindly provided me with a virus leaving my body aching all over, unable to stop consuming fluids and food and just desperately needing sleep; sleep which is still out of reach. I no longer see a way out of this other than medication to literally knock me out. And yet I still do not want the medication. Part of me believes that medication is just a placebo and thus I’ll just be swallowing some magic pill for nothing; either it is a placebo or my mind will contort that it’s a placebo; either way it won’t work. The other part of me just does not want medication in order to function like a “proper” person..

I cannot remember from therapy what to do. How to stop this. I remember that seeing my therapist for those 12 sessions was like a safe sanctuary for me. I remember that she was good, kind, warm and friendly, and gave me (more than she should have) time every session. She was keen to help and I trusted her but my concentration and memory had meant I have taken little to nothing.. I know we did a lot of work together but I don’t know how any of it fits into practice to just enable me to sleep.. 

I just need sleep… I’ve tried counting sheep. I’ve tried peppermint tea and hot salty/foamy baths. I’ve tried running and exercising regularly/daily/at 1am. I’ve tried dozing to “easy watch” TV. I’ve tried reading and writing and colouring and ticking off jobs on the list.. tried eliminating things I think could be worrying me. I’ve tried pillows and no pillows, sleeping with and without husband/dog/different beds in the house. I’ve tried herbal tablets, massage and sprays. Smells that remind me of my mother; that are comforting, and yet still, sleep will not engulf me.

I cannot see a permanent way out of this. I am sure – in the short term – I will eventually get some sleep… but then a few weeks or months down the line the spiral will fall out of control once again and I do not know or understand how people get through this and come out the other side once and for all?

Making a difference 

Just a short one tonight.. of a story I heard a few weeks ago and still love. Kindness is magic, after all 💕

The Star Fish Story ~ Loren Eiseley

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out ‘Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?’

The young man paused, looked up, and replied ‘Throwing starfish into the ocean.’

‘I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?’ asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, ‘The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.’

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, ‘But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!’

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, ‘It made a difference for that one.’