The 3am club…

Am back in the 3am club… not thrilled about it, obviously! It doesn’t feel like that long ago since I was last here…

Not sure what else to do with myself. It’s quite clear I’m not getting back to sleep anytime soon.. of course I need to be careful I don’t oversleep through my 8.30am hospital appointment again (BAD day..) 

Have wrapped husband’s birthday present, prepared self for tomorrow as much as possible.. retrieved running kit from car and am considering testing out my knee on the bloody tarmac instead of treadmill because.. I’m awake at 3am and don’t know what else to do (treadmill is broken.. not that I think I’d risk using it and waking the neighbours at this god awful time [its in the garage]).. however.. on retrieving said gym kit, I discovered it is very windy out for 3am… not sure my first run in 2 months needs that.. but given how I am feeling right now, I suspect I might still try.. at least it’s not frosty and didn’t feel that cold..!

Anyway.. posting some thoughts I’ve had on draft for a while now instead.. as I wasn’t sure what else to write at this beautiful time.. turns out I’ve already started quite an essay though, but never mind!!

“I had depression for 8 weeks once. It was awful”
I’m sorry. No you didn’t. Ok – im no expert, but I am fairly sure you didn’t. Depression isn’t something you just experience randomly once in your lifetime. Depression comes back to haunt you with no rhyme or reason and certainly no warning. One day, you’re fine. The next? The whole world has come crashing down. No reason, it just has. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you most certainly cannot think straight. You panic, freak out, hide away and regress. If you get any aspect of rational thought, or even just the right person talking to you/calming you down, then you will understand that it won’t last, you will fight through it and get back to who you are/want to be/strive for 24/7… but if you don’t then those days/weeks/months are an incomprehensible hell. And as for the “Whoever” that right person was, at the right time, in the right place, calming you down..? You won’t want to leave them.. I’m practically seeing my fertility nurse(s) as gods right now just because their nice to me (yeah, goes hand in hand with being a decent nurse, right?! *roll eyes*; cheers brain..)

Anyway, I know. I understand that now. I’ve just come through 4-6 weeks of it. It was hell. I snapped at my husband for no reason, created tension amongst friends/family/us. Everything – and I mean everything – drove me into a panic. I didn’t sleep, much – when I wrote this a few weeks later I new I still was not quite back to normal and I was exhausted from it. I so desperately felt like I was screaming for help, so desperately wanting to hurt myself; drive off a cliff, anything – but, for me, still with that voice of the true Karen chipping away and fighting at the hell that I want to live.

And now, here I start again. In a way, it feels better for me this time. Last thing a lot of things were going wrong and out of my control, completely stressing me out, but making me feel like a spoilt brat in that essentially I was having a breakdown because things weren’t going my way.. this time, there isn’t much (other than this huge infertility/lack of pregnancy/baby!) issue that is going wrong… in fact a lot is going right and I’m generally in a pretty good place with lots of things, including a lush new car, on the horizon to look forward to… so I’m pleased that it’s not just that because I wasn’t “getting my own way” as such that’s triggering me.. but on the flip side.. I have no idea what the problem actually is this time…
P.S. Happy New Year everyone x

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