It’s April. I know I say this every single month, but I really don’t know where March went. Another blur and whirlwind of appointments. Still not pregnant. Still questioning if I ever will be and what happens if I won’t…

As a quick update – generally, I’m ok. I am off fertility meds for the first time in several months; hoping for a clear view this month as to what my body is up to on it’s own, before hopefully starting IUI/IVF end April/May… I’ve dropped (what I feel) is a necessary few pounds – but I really, really don’t think or feel like I have starved myself or over-exercised. For once. I’ve listened to my body. Ate and run as I wanted (more or less..!), and fortunately, this weird craving I seem to be having for all things healthy seems to be working well. I ran 20.4 miles Sunday just gone, and, as I am not pregnant, will be running the Virgin London Marathon on Sunday 23rd April 2017… Wish me luck…! I am excited and super nervous.. I will be glad and super proud to have finished it, but it is not going to be easy.. I have done what I consider the bare minimum training for it; although, I was already a runner so it isn’t like I was starting from scratch! I just haven’t done that many “long” runs. 2, to be exact. One at 16.6 miles in the most horrendous weather (epic, resistance-training-that-I-didn’t-need brutal wind and spells of rain), and the other on a gloriously perfect day for running, at 20.4 miles… Harder than I was hoping it was going to feel though, however I also ran quicker than I thought I was, so swings and roundabouts!

I’ve done so little distance training, as of course, I had continued to hope that I would actually be pregnant and not really running it… I continued to put off long runs so that I wouldn’t have trained up to a stupid distance and then have to “throw in the towel” and “give it all up” for pregnancy, and also, because that kind of distance running just isn’t really conducive to conceiving… I purposely waited to run the 20-miler once I knew I wasn’t pregnant. A new nurse at the hospital I am now under the care of for fertility treatments, mentioned to me at a blood test last week that I shouldn’t do “too much exercise” as I “want my body to be nice and sluggish for pregnancy”……. Never heard that one before… Obviously, I declined to mention I was running a marathon in 3 weeks..! Clearly, I know marathon training/running isn’t ideal for pregnancy, but it really is a once in a lifetime achievement – I do have the running bug, and I see how people become addicted (like me!) but I will NOT be taking up marathons as my new thing… Halve’s I can do, marathons; NO! Anyway, like I said, I have done minimal training in order to try and keep my body prepped for pregnancy. That is the single biggest and most important goal for me.. But exercise surely is good for you?! Once I have done the marathon I still intend to run, but my distances are likely to be 3 and 5 milers mostly. This is ok, right?! Maybe 5 times a week?! I need to run for my physical AND mental health… I love running..

In other “me” news… I am really not sleeping. I seem to be waking up almost hourly, even despite running 20 miles I didn’t sleep well that night. I have no idea why or what is going on. I don’t feel particularly stressed, upset or anxious about anything, although I have been having some insane dreams/nightmares when I am sleeping. I am confused! I have started taking a very low dose anti-anxiety/depressant med (10mg citalopram, low because; fertility) , which to my amazement did seem to kick in (or placebo) and do something straight away. I don’t feel like it has helped the anxiety side of things (1 example; I called my parents earlier because Dad hadn’t answered my face-time the night before, and I was genuinely worried they weren’t still alive..!) very much, but it does seem to have improved my “mood” and, aside from last Thursday (where I thought I was doing well and then cried 3 times in one day!) I don’t seem to be in tears quite as much… the arrival of my period last month didn’t destroy me quite as much as it usually does; in fact, my husband seemed more disappointed for the first time than me, which was sweet, and yet saddening for me to hear.. I thought I was the one mainly driving the desire for a family 😕.. Although I think the reality of “if I’m pregnant I can defer the marathon until 2018!” and then attempting to train, and then run a marathon with a newborn (or multiple newborns!) and potentially {milk} leaking boobs had finally dawned on me and I realised, really, it is best to run the marathon this year and get it done and out the way… At least (fingers crossed) I should then achieve something on my “30 before 30” list (having a baby clearly not going to happen now..!)

Anyway, despite this now-essay, I don’t really have much to say or update. I have been pretty busy, and thus not having the opportunity to think (probably why I’m not feeling as “depressed”!) or writing as much. I do have several blogs started that are only a paragraph long, where words have formed in my head, but then quickly disappeared before I can get much written down.. I’ll attempt them some day.. xxx

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