[Mental] Health Crisis

Bit of a mush mash of words here.. but just wanted to write something(s!) down to go with my slightly scary discharge letter received last week.. And my brain isn’t working properly to make this blog better.. so I’m done with it in the mish mash that it is.. πŸ˜‚πŸ™„

πŸ˜”

We seem to be in quite the mental health crisis. Everyone knows the NHS is “always” suffering. But the mental health teams seem to be stretched beyond belief.

I waited 6 months for therapy. The therapy I have just undergone (CAT; Cognitive Analytical Therapy, which, btw, I loved and felt was massively helping) is recommended to take 1 hour for between 16-24 weeks. The NHS provides just 8 weeks of *not quite* 1 hour sessions..

How on earth are you supposed to make breakthroughs and adjust and be “fixed” in just 8 hours?! That’s a working day! And an average working day at Clarks is what tore me apart good and proper, forced me to leave the career that I loved, and put me in therapy in the end! 

The funny thing is – I(/we) could/would easily pay for me to have therapy 1,2,3 or even 4 weekly.. but I’m not sure it will ever truly make any difference anymore. This in itself is a huge improvement for me – I used to feel like I needed someone mental health trained to daily be by my side guiding me through life..!

I just seem to chop and change. For no apparent reason sometimes. Just like my eyes do – the other day for example, I felt like I could see clearer and further physically than most days. I only “need” glasses for driving but I often wear them just in places like the supermarket just to help me find my way round {quicker}.. but this was not needed the other day.. just like my PHQ/GAD scores… up and down up and down, better and worse, better and worse. Some days I find myself absorbed in this world of negativity and I cannot snap out of it; no matter how much I want or need to, it sticks with me until it is ready to shift on for a brief spell of time. Yet on others I seem to radiate excitement and zest for life; exactly who and what I want to be 24/7..

But this.. these scores.. they scared me a little. Whilst I agree, and I no longer feel like any amount of help/therapy is ever going to do anything; and I’m just going to have to thrive – as I do – on the good days (sprinkling glitter, kindness, care, love and smiles like the unicorn girl that I am), banking the memories and doing my best to plod through without hurting myself too badly on the bad days… the fact that a service happily discharges you when scores have not improved, and are still considered “severe”, I find quite scary.. 

They did improve, whilst I was undergoing therapy. They dropped a fair bit [“dropping” is good] and then slowly built again. It would seem the so many things that I felt were helping [therapy, running (VLM17), citalopram, holidays, fun, friends, sunshine, etc] really did make me “high” for a period of time and although many of these are still going on, my anxiety is back worsened beyond reasonable belief or expectation.. I don’t know why I am so badly over worrying about everyone and anyone, everything and anything, and why this huge sense of dread is sat so heavily on my shoulders right now. 

We agreed this, my therapist and I. Largely because all they now offered me was something I just cannot guarantee I will put the time and effort into it that it really needs. I always attended and engaged well with my therapist – but putting my mind to work is hard enough in therapy, let alone trying to make it work alone! This week I have been quite motivated to do everything and anything – but others I find myself exhausted not wanting to get out of bed and achieving seemingly nothing. Some say that’s ok – it’s ok to listen to what your body and mind must obviously need; but it never feels ok for me, especially whilst my darling husband is slogging through 50 hour + weeks.. but it means I cannot allow myself to commit to a new therapy that I may not always find the energy or motivation to put the effort into helping myself. And that’s part of the problem with mental health illnesses, isn’t it – you need to help yourself.. but that is always, always easier said than done.

I suspect part of the reason I have been motivated is because I few plans were cancelled (not by me; never by me; I cannot cancel… πŸ™„) at the end of last week which meant I actually had time to not do EVERYTHING and at 400mph as per usual Karen.. who then burns herself out from doing so..

I am incredibly grateful for the NHS and all the help we get, but with mental health in particular there just doesn’t not seem to be “enough” help. That age old problem of “enough”, rising its ugly head again..

Sometimes, I feel like, instead of having “one of those days” I’m having “one of those lives” where one thing after another just seems to go disasterously wrong and on, and on…

I guess I am just generally unsure what to make of it all. I could seek out therapy privately – but part of me can’t be bothered to start all over again somewhere else. Part of me doesn’t think I need/want to. Part of me thinks there’s no point. And part of me is shocked to still see those scores so worryingly high πŸ˜’

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3 thoughts on “[Mental] Health Crisis

  1. I have a feeling it depends where you live. Certainly in Wiltshire, after the first sessions of therapy end, if needed you are referred on to someone else. I know there have been significant improvements for you but just looking at the scores (words!), how can they possibly discharge you without further help? Sounds like there’s s a hole that needs to be plugged at the end of the course of treatment. Please don’t give up on therapy, find a way to get some more help, it really is worth it. xx

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  2. How can you be discharged when, according to the letter, your scores indicate that the therapy has not made a significant difference . . . yet? It’s like half-plastering a broken leg and sending you on your way or not quite finishing a heart transplant! (Bit extreme!) It may be that you will always have the need to talk to someone professionally and plenty of people need that support. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have ups and downs. It seems to me you have a pretty good understanding of your illness and further support would help you to deeper understanding and ultimately healing. Good luck!

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    1. Yes I know… scary isn’t it!! The world of mental health is treated quite differently still to that of a clear physical ailment! I think you are right… but knowing me I’ll probably let myself get out of control absurd again before I started looking for the real help. I do feel quite anxious and on edge at the moment – I don’t consciously feel as “depressed”! πŸ€”

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