Infertility heartache

I had some bleeding Sunday night. This prompted me to test early; because of the tests I bought (goodbye Clear Blue, not buying you again!) you don’t even get what feels like the lesser blunt pain of “negative”, instead “not pregnant” slaps you hard in the face. Of course I’m not; what a stupid thought to think that it had finally happened. I guess I must potentially have held out some small hope because I retested Monday morning [as advised] anyway: not pregnant. I have barely stopped crying since, exacerbated by ridiculous attempts at false hope by the clinic suggesting I retest next week because the bleed was so light, and also because they couldn’t really fit me in for another cycle this month. Third test; not pregnant. I can’t see, hear or speak to anyone. I just don’t want to exist. And I think a stupid tiny part of me hopes that maybe they are right. Maybe I have now somehow achieved the impossible and had 3 false negatives. Maybe I am, finally pregnant. Not possible.

Everywhere I look someone is pregnant. How is it seemingly so easy for so many? I know of course that isn’t necessarily true. I know of course I am not the first and sadly won’t be the last to go through this hell – but right now it’s all I can see as everyone else appears to be pregnant or have their “miracle baby” while we battle on… for what? For how many more years? How much more heartache? I can’t take anymore.

The punishment of being so open and honest and talkative is that you can’t hide away. It was nice, it genuinely felt good to talk and not hide away from it. But now friends are desperately messaging or calling and I can’t help but ignore every single one of them. I keep going to my messages to start reading through them and replying but then I just can’t. Every time I open messages or WhatsApp or messenger the tears come again. My heart aches and the tears are still falling. I can’t deal with anything right now. My phone has been on silent since Sunday because I can’t even deal with the pings of incoming calls or messages. I think I understand now the shame and stigma around infertility. The reasons why so few people talk openly about what they are going through – because when the inevitable happens and nothing works you have your heart broken out there in the open. Everyone knows. Everyone feels sorry for you. I don’t want or need that. I don’t want or need any sympathy or any more tears. I don’t want to see or hear from or speak to anyone. Right now I can’t imagine when I will ever want that again. And I feel vile, like such a bitch – to have all these friends worried and caring for us and I just can’t bring myself to even acknowledge them; I am so, so sorry. I just desperately want something to work, but in truth honestly believe nothing ever will: barren karen. I don’t want anymore false hope. I don’t want anymore “it WILL happens”. I want to know why it is seemingly so easy for some people. I want to know why me? Why is it always me? Will it ever be our turn? When? I want answers to impossible questions. I want my husband to hold me and for the headaches that come with incessant tears to stop. I want to know why I am here if not to be a Mother. But most of all, most of all I just don’t want to exist right now. Today marks five years since my [maternal] grandfather passed away – the only grandparent I ever really knew. I can’t bring myself to even message my Mum some love. I can’t bring myself to think anything other than – even though my grandparents fought for our rights to live in a free world – right now I just want to be wherever they are. I must look that way too – because even the lady serving me in the shop looked like she didn’t believe my “don’t worry, I won’t overdose” as I tried to buy 3 packs of paracetamol. [Don’t worry, I won’t; I just don’t need these headaches, and it takes 4 just to shift one; I like to stock up]. 

I am worried for the future because I can’t go on like this. I am worried because I can’t see a time when I will want to face other humans again – even my friends or family. I can’t walk or run or catch a single breath without a sob. I am worried I can’t enjoy “life” anymore. I know James has “secrets” planned for this weekend; the start of my birthday celebrations, but right now I can’t think of anything else I’d rather not do. I dread birthdays as it is but I was excited, just a few days ago.. When I thought, for some absurd reason that I might be pregnant, when I thought that maybe, just maybe all the “side effects” I was feeling – all the nausea, headache, exhaustion, dizziness and hunger – were not side effects but symptoms of pregnancy. I was excited to enjoy the surprise he had lined up for me. I have no idea what he has planned but I suspect friends may be involved and I just don’t want to see anyone. I just hope that this hideous great storm cloud over me has moved on by then. I knew, of course that “have a baby” before I’m 30 was absurdly optimistic. It’d have been nice to have at least just been pregnant. It hurts so much.

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. As a result I can barely move. Walking is slow. Running has become “interval training” whilst I struggle to complete even mere 3 or 5 miles. But all I want to do is run {away}. In just two days I had already dropped half a stone; an insight I think as to how much fat I had really gained from all the eating like I was “eating for two”, all the hormones and medications. You can’t drop that kind of weight that quickly if you don’t have it to spare in the first place.

I can barely think and barely breathe. I can’t bare to think of facing people. I can’t leave the house without James or Rufus. I hate wasting money but I can’t face the pre-paid yoga class I have tonight, or the drive there with a friend. And so, I guess, this is my explanation to all of you as to my lack of response. For my being utterly shit and useless. Lack of reading and engaging. I just can’t face anyone right now. I can’t face life right now. I’m sorry. I don’t want or need any comments or sympathy. I just wanted and needed to let everyone know in one fell swoop, reaching all platforms. I think this may also be my last fertility blog – because I never for a second realised how painful it was going to be to go through this let alone with everyone knowing. I thought it would help but where I just want to hide away, friends just want to support me, when all I want is to not exist. I don’t know how to balance – I’m all or nothing. I don’t know how to “cheer the fudge up” like I want to.

I am not even sure why this time hurts so badly. We didn’t miscarry. We haven’t lost our so-longed for child. We never even had a positive pregnancy test. We – I – are/am grieving for what never was. For more time lost. The chances of it working were only lifted 4-7% to that of a “normal” conception, but apparently I had pinned my everything on this really, truly being our turn, convinced that the mix of {timed} ovulation, the “good” sperm and those pessaries were just what we had needed all along. I can’t tell you how much it hurts. I’d just like to forget. 

Trying to remember x

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