Do you know what, people? It’s not easy. It’s not easy having a mind filled with anxiety and depression – “severe” at that – at the best of times, let alone dealing with a seemingly never ending dose of infertility too. Many have questioned if now is even the right time to be trying for children (suspect Rufus would be inclined to agree with that right now, because I’ve only just twigged at 4.40pm that he hasn’t actually been walked that much today so no wonder he is nagging me for one!!) – but even my most recent (male; I always think that makes a difference if even a bloke can figure this/me out!) therapist could see that starting our family will likely make a huge difference for me – all I’ve ever wanted and needed to be: a mother. Perhaps I am relying too heavily on innocent children to pull me out of this mind hell hole, but I know – I am sure – they will. And I know I will do everything to stop them from ever having a mind hell hole like their mother. 

This week I have seriously struggled to make my mind think of anything other than those few simple words “I want to kill myself”. It’s not the first time and I don’t doubt it won’t be the last. They bounce around up there in that big empty space (πŸ˜‚) and they struggle to come up with anything else – until, apparently, I manage to actually focus on doing something else, like now (and clearly I’m only half focused on the baking because now I’m thinking and writing it all down before it disappears again!). It’s not likely to happen – those few horrid words – not yet anyway. Not now. Not because I’m “brave” or a “fighter” but because I’m scared. I don’t believe for a second you get a second chance at life, as much as I’d like to, and so for now I have to keep trying until it’s too late. Then, then I’ll worry more about those words in my head, but right now, I’ll be ok. Sort of. Eventually. I’ll manage to see and love my friends and family and enjoy my life with them again but still not right now. I’ll manage to stop crying whenever someone’s asks me if I’m ok or when I try to go to sleep or just for no apparent reason. I’m hoping this weekend will pull me out of all that. I feel better than I did on Monday/Tuesday, but the tears are still coming thick and fast. I still feel raw and very aware and self conscious of myself leaving the house without Rufus or James. 

Baking concentration… start with it all out and put it away as you go along… #ocd

But for now I need to attempt to start eating again, so I can start running better and faster and happier again. Now I need to remember and do what works for me. I need to avoid rubbishy, processed, refined foods that make me feel bloated, uncomfortable and physically and mentally sluggish and miserable. Because that really, truly is a thing. I know that I feel happier when I think I feel slimmer and lighter.. when I don’t feel like I have bingo wings, when my stomach is flat and when my thighs are slimmer and toned with that ridiculous gap from fast(er) and happy running – because I know it’s ridiculous and I know with pregnancy that will all go: but that’s different and “allowed”. Until then, I think it’s better for me to at least feel slimmer and to at least be eating something, even if I am deemed to be compulsive around “clean eating”. The stupid thing is – half of it isn’t even “clean” – it’s just “cleaner” and feels healthier, more natural and thus is enough to calm my daft mind. I don’t want to feel like sh!t and physically and mentally it makes me feel better to eat “clean”. So clean it is. It’s the only way to get “me” back – sparkly karen, unicorn girl, glitter spreader, sun lover. I need her back because the alternative sucks. But, I think we all know a girl still needs “treats” so below there’s some more healthier alternatives I’ve found that are also pretty easy to make!

This is so difficult, because, as I said, I didn’t realise how painful it was going to be to have the knowledge of my failure to conceive once more out in the open, however, I also do feel like the messages and checkins and love and “carry on as normal” and engagement from friends is also more than likely, however slowly, and however many steps I then take back when the mind gets out of control again – helping me get back to my “normal”.. thank you 😘

Ps. Toasted pumpkin + sunflower seeds smells AMAZING – why have I not been eating more of that all my life?! πŸ˜‹

Pps. How do food bloggers photograph food so well?! #fail πŸ˜‚

Chocolate Peanut Butter Buckeye Brownies – no, I’ve no idea what the buckeye part is.. I’m not loving them straight out of the fridge (would you normally keep brownies in the fridge though?! I’m just keeping them there as I want them to last and it’s reasonably warm still…!) they taste a little like I’ve added liqueur to them?! BUT if you warm them up for 10-20-30 seconds and add strawberries πŸ“ and Haagen Dazs Vanilla ice cream 🍦 (my fav, and ya, I know, not “clean” [so I’m not totally OCD], but THE BEST!) then they taste bloody amazingly gooey and fudge-brownie-ey goodness 🀀 also, I always use Cacao, not cocoa.

Chocolate peanut butter brownies of 🀀🀀🀀🀀

Mint Chocolate Power Bars Recipe (go easy on the peppermint oil if you use it – I went far too wild on it! I think they’d taste scrummy without it too!)

Mint chocolate power bars