Re-home Benji!

Benji 🐢

Meet Benji!

I volunteer dog walk for The Cinnamon Trust who help out with pets when their owners who are generally old/terminally ill can no longer look after them so well, aka: walk dogs. 

I used to walk Benji 🐢 on just a Monday, but found out this week the other two volunteers had stopped because he was too “boisterous”.

πŸ™„πŸ˜ πŸ˜«. He is not boisterous. 

He’s 2/3 years young and barely getting walked because his mum is terminally ill. He just wants to walk and smell and play with ALL the other dogs, because THAT’S WHAT DOGS DO. My heart absolutely broke πŸ’” for him when I realised this, so I’m going to now try and walk him every day until he is rehomed. Fortunately, he lives pretty close to us! Apparently he is exhausted and much better behaved once he gets home from a walk – proof you just need to keep your little fur babies knackered and their behaviour improves! His Mum’s two daughters are so grateful for me doing this simple thing to help whilst their Mum is very ill – I walk him with Rufus anyway – I have this real need to help others – and this is such a simple way of doing so. I don’t understand how you could stop helping when so badly needed.

Would anyone like Benji to join their family?!

Camera shy Benji!

LonelinessΒ 

Loneliness… it’s a real thing. Sometimes I think I struggle with that more than depression but then loneliness is probably an effect of the depression. I always thought I wanted to WFH/be a housewife/full time mum but the reality of not having a set “9-5” means I’m often super lonely and isolated and leach onto ANY social contact quite badly…! Soz all! Some days if I’ve somehow managed to not see or speak (in any form) to anyone I practically pounce on James when he gets home – you know like when you’ve been off sick for a day and then when you get to see someone you’re all crazy for conversation? That’s me… most days. Rufus probably helps… poor dog 🐢I’m not saying leaving Clarks wasn’t the right choice – it 100% was. I don’t miss the corporate BS or the fakery, and thanks to my addled brain [alongside my amazing husband] I won’t ever be going back: I find myself infuriated with myself because of the simple things I struggle to pick up as quick as I used to in the work I do for the business as it is, I honestly don’t believe I would ever get through an interview process again: I struggled as it was in the 6 months or so before I left Clarks.
So, obviously I’m not thrilled at the prospect of facing this weekend alone – James on a stag, 2 sets of cancelled and one failed set of plans for me – I don’t, of course, dispute him going – I want him to! He deserves a break (from me!!) and to have fun with his mates – plus I abandon him to go off with the girls enough – although I suspect {know} he also just enjoys the break from me and catches up on sleep πŸ™„πŸ€£. 

I just get so tired of being alone. I often make out I hate people – and general people I probably do, they’re often a pain in the ass 🀣 – but when it comes to my friends and family, I just want them around all the time (no, not you Dad.. haha love you x).
I have often found myself, when travelling or just out and about, looking at others who are alone and being super worried for them. Concerned that they aren’t happy. It’s absolutely insane and 99% of the time I suspect they are absolutely just fine. I’ve noticed it for as long as I can remember – since I was really young – a business man eating dinner alone; pretty average in the world and yet I’ve always wanted to invite them to join us (but never have… confidence lacker in being such a weirdo!) I end up just making myself feel awful in convincing myself they are sad and alone. I just seem to really FEEL and have all this emotion for others which is just seemingly totally random. I worry about June – who I dog walk for through The Cinnamon Trust – about her feeling lonely, and as such spend time attempting to make awkward conversation (I am sure I am the queen of awkward conversation, somehow) before I leave her because I’m so worried about leaving her alone. In reality she’s probably internally questioning when the weird dog walker who doesn’t seem to work is going to JUST LEAVE πŸ˜‚.
I did however read a pretty interesting blog this week on the time to change website that was written by someone else who seemed much better able than me to get her point across – I agree with having ALL THE EMOTION. I’m not just a spoilt brat (πŸ‘ΈπŸ») who strops when she doesn’t get her way (just mostly..!) but everything just seems to effect me much stronger and deeper than it seems to affect anyone else. A sad advert about dogs and I’m forcing Rufus to cuddle me whilst my paranoid brain panics about the day he’s no longer with us (we have an agreement that this will be never, we all go together… also never..!), but the simplest smile or sharing “knowing” eye contact from a stranger has me bouncing off the walls for joy. I feel it all, deeply, but particularly, I think, loneliness.
And so, with being alone I can’t really seem to adult… I’m not sure who let me solo adult.. I can’t even seem to figure out what I want to eat, but don’t worry, there’ll be no half stone weight loss this weekend because I’m so (pre-menstrually) hungry that I’m consuming EVERYTHING in site trying to placate whatever it is I really want but can’t figure out myself. Instead it’s Frosties and easy solo person meals for dinner because I have NO CLUE what I really want and can’t be bothered to cook to figure it out πŸ˜’. In positive news, I did just manage to be near a Sainsbury’s and NOT purchase jam doughnuts – mostly because at the time I wasn’t sure I wanted them… but now I think it’s a big regret…

Wild Friday nights at 30… bedtime (8.30pm: suspect I’ll be punished for that with a horribly early morning wake up!), night all x

I believe it’s called “brinner”…. “breakfast”, for dinner..

The Cinnamon Trust.


My heart, is melting πŸ’”
Rufus 🐢 (!) and I volunteer through The Cinnamon Trust (http://www.cinnamon.org.uk/). It’s a charity which looks for volunteers to support “the elderly, terminally ill and their pets.” I have volunteered to walk dogs should their old/terminally ill owners be unable to walk them any longer.

Weirdly, I discovered around 5 months into being with The Cinnamon Trust that my dad also volunteered with them many years ago. Talk about keeping it in the family! πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§β€πŸ‘¦
It took a few months to first find suitable “client(s)”. Cinnamon Trust tries to find and match people that are close to each other so expenses are kept minimum; as you’d expect for a charity.
A month or so ago I began walking Jaz, a sweet little Jack Russell-Staffy cross belonging to an unwell June in my local village/”small town”. June is lovely – so sweet and incredibly grateful for my help. 
But I don’t do this just for June and others like her – I also do it for me, because I am a typical millennial in every sense and I just have this need and desire to help people – yet being too scared of blood and gore renders me useless to train as a doctor or nurse (as if I was even clever enough!*) and I [currently 😬] do not have the self esteem/confidence/belief to look at training as a therapist {a suggestion from my current therapist}.. Volunteering doesn’t often seem to me as that much of a real nice and decent thing to do – it is essentially pretty easy for me to do this and I enjoy it. I believe I am a mostly (!) decent human being, and it’s my opportunity to give a little something back to society; I believe we should look after each other. πŸ’•

I – like many – HATE(D) paying tax (as it so often seems to go towards those who don’t need or are undeserving) but I am more than happy and willing to help out those who are really in need.
Today, June presented me with this adorable bunch of flowers, hand picked from her own garden, πŸ’smelling – and looking – wonderful as a token of her appreciation for me walking Jaz. Just for me doing something that I feel like is just common decency for me to do! And not only that – I think due to holiday, I have only walked Jaz 4 or 5 times so far! 

I don’t need, or want, or expect any thanks – from anyone – for walking Jaz; she is super sweet and very easy to walk. And, like I said, by volunteering I am already part doing this for the good feeling I get back for helping. It is really no hassle for me to walk Jaz – and most of the time I actually feel like I should be doing more – and even though it’s against Cinnamon Trust rules – I always ask June if she needs anything etc. before I leave. I can’t help it – to me it feels like human nature to do so; to help. I was so touched and, as standard Karen, could have cried! We all know I love flowers 😍! Imagine the sheer elation I then felt when the bee 🐝 landed on the orange blossom as I walked home! It really felt like the world was going round harmoniously in one big hug of humanity. Simple acts of kindness really, really make big differences. I had been feeling stressed (thanks to the idiot bank) and anxiety has been creeping it’s way back in, but after receiving this lovely bunch of appreciation, I felt kind and happy and willing and able to engage in conversation with strangers again on my walk home. I am only sorry I didn’t give June a big hugπŸ€—; next week I will ☺️


I feel sad, and worried, as I often always do when I think people might be lonely. I know the feeling all too well and I hate the thought of others being alone and lonely. I suspect it is more often than not why I reckon I am (self diagnosed!) as quite intense sometimes (soz-not-sozπŸ’πŸ½). Why I feel like I’m harassing people sometimes (some of my closest friends may even join me with in a good laugh here about me not being a “manageable relationship”!!!!!!!!!🀣🀣🀣) – because I worry about them being sad and lonely more so than the fact that I’d appreciate the company too! I am not saying June is lonely – I don’t know her well enough to know if she is or isn’t. I – as I am so often – still feel that awkward stage of being unable to ask people more about their lives. I know – from having seen when collecting/dropping Jaz – that she certainly has an array of visitors; which puts my mind at ease. I really am just a worrier. Often unnecessarily! I just hate to think of people being lonely. Ironically, I am then pretty awkward and apparently incapable of simple conversation which would mean I could make others less lonely…. hashtag, lifeπŸ™„/irony or something along those lines!
Anyway, thank you to June – I really, really love flowers.❀️

*My therapist has asked me to notice when I am being self-depreciating, and I expect a few people that read my blog/posts also feel I should just stop being so negative; but on this occasion, I genuinely am not clever enough! I am not stupid, but not clever enough to be a doctor or nurse πŸ‘©πŸ½β€βš•οΈ! BUT, I do later give myself some credit for a change πŸ˜‰ – it doesn’t come easy to me to do so. It feels weird and big headed. I remember an old Primark colleague once saying to me something along the lines of “if I don’t “big myself” up; you can be certain no-one else will, as everyone else is too busy “bigging” themselves up” – so you need to fight for yourself! πŸ‘ŠπŸΎ