#theimperfectboss

I’ve just come across this insta-movement.. And whilst I don’t quite fit into the traditional sense of being my own boss in business, I feel like the hope of this message should reach further than that anyway..
“The hope…. That we can break open the myth of perfection and send a message to a generation of women that being in business doesn’t demand that you are flawless. It simply demands that you own who you are.”
A couple of old school-friends (💗) have said to me in the last {…6/7 months – where did that time go??! 😬} “you know most people only display the perfect side of their lives on social media, right?”
Right. They do. But life isn’t always perfect, sadly, and portraying that image can aid in sending out that negative message that sharing your emotions and the “tough times” is weak and childish. It’s not. You don’t know what kind of help and support lurks where, who else might be struggling, and what you say might just help one person. I don’t recall being ashamed after my first, or second breakdown last year, but I do recall not wanting anyone to know. It took a third [3rd time lucky, right?!] to open up. And I’m glad I did –

I am a geek! I am a wife, daughter, sister, niece, mother, friend, fighter. I can be intense; its passion. I can be exhausted; that can be depression. I run, I love, I eat, I sleep, I walk, I think, I overthink, I worry. I am happy, sad, anxious, shattered, grateful, thankful, lucky, loved. I am many things and no things. And I need to stop apologising for who I am. I need to learn to be proud of who I am. To love me. I need to stop trying too hard for waste of space people; old habits die hard, I guess.

Another young woman posted with her selfie “I was scared of the judgement of being scared of being judged. I’ve been the victim of some pretty hurtful gossiping and now I can’t escape the feeling that it is always happening.”

I know how she feels. And I stand with her as I stand with any other person who has been through hell and back, or goes through hell and back on a monthly/weekly/daily/hourly basis… People.. Stop being mean.. Stop spiteful gossiping and judging. Focus on you, live well, laugh often and be kind.

A few months ago I began to start taking charge of me again. I became my own boss again. I resigned from a workplace that stripped me of my confidence, left me mentally fragile, to the point that my physical health was becoming impacted.

I don’t for a second take for granted how bloody lucky I am that financially I could do this. Financially I have the support from my husband, and family to just leave. It took months of being told this, more months of putting myself through hell, but finally I have started to become my own boss. I still have bad days – but actually, this is probably the longest period of time I have managed to sustain a mostly sensible, normal recovery. I’ve made some mistakes – some more than others I’ll regret for the rest of my life – but I’m only human; I’m learning every day, and I’m winning more and more.

This message doesn’t just need to be promoted to a generation of women, but men too. Our children, our children’s children. Us. 

@fireandwindco #theimperfectboss 

It is Mental Health Awareness Week.

I’m not sure if knowing this puts me in a worse situation? Whether it brings it all to the forefront of my mind as an unnecessary reminder? A reverse placebo – instead of helping, it badly hinders?

I am completely zapped of energy. I am utterly exhausted for no reason – I’m fairly sure I’m sleeping reasonably well – yet I cannot really be bothered to do anything, and then I am extra angry, stressed and grumpy at not ticking tasks of my “life-admin” list. I can feel panic and panic attacks settling in comfortably to their old surroundings. I can feel tears escaping my eyes without warning or reason.

I don’t know or understand where it comes from. I’m ready for it to stop now. I’m wondering whether subconsciously, potential {with a high likelihood; in my mind} circumstances of last week are continuing to knock me. But you can’t change the past, and can only prepare for the future. I know this, so why, why am I still finding myself desperate to curl up in a ball, hide away, punish myself in any way possible? Is fighting this what is exhausting me so much? I guess it is. Battling with yourself is exhausting.

Why am I becoming consumed with rage over the simplest things? Yesterday I found myself physically shaking in anger over some ignorant, middle aged, balding sad-act arrogantly and brazenly taking up two parking spaces in a busy car park. The still-angry [did you guess?!] part of me wishes I’d keyed his car.

My patience tolerance generally stands at low, but currently I’m finding myself in a zero tolerance policy for any given random situation. I cannot do this anymore and yet I’m not really sure what other choice I have. I can’t remember/don’t know how to help myself out of this situation; punishing myself in any “usual” is even more un-conducive to what I want/need.

I want to exercise; even lightly, but I can’t really be bothered/am too tired to move. I want to eat well yet just cannot seem to motivate myself to cook for the ridiculously quick 15 minutes it might take. I’m not in the mood for mindfulness ~ though will it help? I don’t know ~ and I am disappointed in myself at the sudden restriction, once again, to my concentration.

I am stuck in that “trap”, that “hot cross bun” circle of doom, and until I suddenly – miraculously – regain some energy there feels like no way out.

I’m not even sure that writing this is making any more sense. Whether it is giving any insight into the nightmare. Whether there is any point.