This is Infertility (& pregnancy loss).
This is not even all of the tests I did for this pregnancy. It’s addictive to keep doing them, keep checking right up until your first scan at least – even though if the worst had happened by then, they may still even show as positive.
With every transfer I’ve had, more and more sticks have anxiously been pee’d on. Every day willing that line to get darker and stronger and willing your tiny embryo – that tiny white flash (pic 1) – to stick and stay sticking and to develop.
Infertility is watching that line fade back to negative as your embryo becomes a “chemical” pregnancy: an early miscarriage.
Infertility is anxiously checking your underwear and the toilet paper for blood every time you use the toilet. Any bleeding you do have is crippling – but thankfully not always as bad as expected; I bled at 6 weeks with this pregnancy and I was so convinced I had lost the baby, our final rainbow – so convinced that even the nurse – my friend – that scanned me didn’t expect to see a heartbeat.
Infertility is finally getting your first ever BFP, your first ever beautiful baby and still anxiously thinking about your embabies (if you’re lucky enough) in the freezer and when you might transfer them. Almost unable to just enjoy the one miracle you have.
Infertility will mean 3 beautiful, healthy miracles under 4, for me. Infertility and pregnancy loss also means never forgetting the 3 I also lost. Why me? Why them? Why did their siblings stick and develop and become perfect healthy little humans yet they couldn’t remain “stuck” in my womb and became a clot flushed down the toilet? Would they have looked like their siblings? Would they be as bonkers?!
Infertility is still having a tiny bit of jealousy of anyone seemingly conceiving the “natural” way whilst still being happy for them. I can’t see that last little bit of the green eyed monster ever leaving me.
Infertility is being so thankful for medicine and science and for not being infertile in a time where IVF didn’t exist.
Infertility is unexplainable guilt whenever I let myself get angry at or stressed out over my beautiful babies, who just want their mummy or daddy. They are loved beyond measure but parent stress/guilt is the same for everyone, but the guilt feels intensified when I should be only grateful to have them.
Infertility/Fertility sometimes feels all I know; all I can talk about.
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